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Post n°138 pubblicato il 25 Gennaio 2007 da Il_capo_dei_cattivi

Il mondo, questo qui di cui parliamo adesso, ha un altra forma: è un cubo od uno zonoedro, e un trapezoedro od un dodecaedro rombico se non addirittura un'ebesfenomegacorona…

Insomma è della forma di un qualunque diamine di poliedro di Keplero-Poinsot purché non sia una sfera e sia dissimile da questo nostro sudicio pallino.

 

L’esatta forma di questo mondo poco frega al narratore di questa insulsa storiella (per cui figuriamoci di quanta apprensione può suscitare nel lettore), ma fatto e significato di questa anomalia di sagoma è che su questo pianeta nulla è come è adesso qui su questo mondo.

Diciamo che su codesto pianeta di cui conversiamo ogni cosa più… come dire… è più… più… ecco più…più diversa.

 

Ad esempio su questo pianeta il gioco del calcio non è interessante, ma la gente si ammazza comunque di insulti e botte per vedere il campionato del giuoco della lippa. La Nike c’è anche lì, ma invece che far lavorare indefessamente tanti piccoli pachistani per cucire palloni, fa lavorare indefessamente tanti piccoli pachistani per far la punta ai tocchetti di legno.

 

Le soubrette con stacchi di coscia vertiginosi e natiche marmoree sono anche intelligentissime ed infatti spesso tralasciano la carriera artistica per affermarsi nel mondo universitario e della cultura accademica. In Tv invece fanno furore quei bei cessi di ultrasettantenni che nel nostro mondo invece imperserebbero come primari d’ospedale, ministri di qualchecosa, docenti sotuttoio, consulenti delle aziende municipalizzate e beoni da bar. Invece che veline si fanno chiamare cartapecora e numerose fan si contendono i loro pitali.

 

Negli uffici non esistono stampanti, fax, fotocopiatrici o plotter di sorta. Le aziende assumono dei deliziosi disegnatori che guardano che cosa hai sul monitor e lo ricopiano a mano libera su un foglio Fabriano. Differentemente da quanto si pensa, una pagina stampata con il sistema amanuense, costa molto meno che nel nostro mondo (visti i prezzi delle cartucce d’inchiostro nel nostro mondo) e l’affidabilità di un umano che fa il disegnatore è ben più alta che quella di una HP Color Laserjet PCL 3800 (cioè all’uomo, anche se gli viene un cagotto, gli passa in un paio di giorni, se invece ordini il criceto di ricambio che sta dentro alla stampante HP all’help desk, loro nicchiano per dei mesi).

 

Sono le donne che nei night club e bar da veri fighi devono dare la caccia agli uomini (che poi quando gli uomini sono belli come me devono essere attenti e guardinghi contro gli importuni rischi di stupro) e non viceversa come da noi. Il mercato della gnocca è quindi un po’ confuso. Le donne devono offrire da bere dopo essersi atteggiate nella modalità mignatta (bada che ho detto “mignAtta” e non “mignOtta”) ed aver il macchinone lustro e la stessa sensibilità di un mattone, mentre gli uomini hanno le paturgne e passano settimane intere dall’estetista, a rotolarsi seminudi attorno ad un palo, od al telefono a raccontarsi cazzate. Il rito dell’accoppiamento è quindi un gran casino, in cui si bevono ettolitri di Cuba Libre, ma non si tromba praticamente mai: si deve quindi aspettare di essere fidanzati o sposati per poter finalmente trombare sì, ma di traverso cioè con persone diverse dal proprio fidanzato/marito o dalla propria fidanzata/moglie e soprattutto a loro insaputa.

 

La farina si usa al posto del borotalco, il borotalco al posto della cocaina la cocaina al posto della farina.

Quindi con la farina si asciugano culetti dei bimbi (che se poi vengono seduti nell’olio bollente gli viene il noto manicaretto “Culo alla milanese”), si sniffano piste di Manetti e Roberts (e si muore di silicosi come mosche senza essere affatto sballati il che fa parecchio male, soprattutto al morale) e si infornano michette di Brown-brown, sottraendola al fabbisogno di allucinogeni esaltanti dei poveri soldati/bambino dell'Africa occidentale (Come vedi i poveri ed i deboli purtroppo soffrono di ristrettezze anche in quel mondo lì).

 

Nel mondo poliedrico di cui parliamo, il Nototrago di Sharpe è pur sempre una piccola antilope diffusa nell'Africa sudorientale, in particolare in Tanzania, Mozambico, Malawi, Zambia, Zimbabwe e nella provincia del Transvaal in Sudafrica.

Il fatto è che può prendere la patente e guidare SUV giganteschi carburati da un meccanico alcolizzato (e che quindi emettono zaffate di idrocarburi incombusti come il mio culo dopo che ho mangiato la fagiolata di carnevale). Pertanto girano nelle città e fanno dei divertentissimi safari fotografici, scattando momenti della nostra vita umana e quotidiana: lo scippo della vecchietta, l’automobilista che si scaccola, il barbone che piscia all’angolo, il racket della prostituzione.

 

Lo sfaccettato corpo celeste ospite della mia fantasia ha avuto fiotte di figli di Dio, avatar, profeti e visionari. Il fatto è che nessuno di questi è andato perduto, ma l’INPS li mantiene tutti.

Ad esempio Visvantara Jataka, Gesù Cristo, Muhàmmad e Krishna giocano a rubamazzetto in una clinica per anziani sul lago di Garda. Il fatto veramente strano non è la loro longevità, ma il fatto che nessun abitante del pianeta si ammazza in nome loro, lasciando un incolmabile vuoto nelle elenco di motivazioni razziste, fanatiche e settarie per cui vale la pena di procedere con la pianificazione di un accurato genocidio normato. Meno male che qualche scienziato politico ha approfondito il concetto di intolleranza ­alimentare e lo ha applicato. Si può pertanto odiare, segregare ed accoppare chiunque abbia gusti o necessità alimentari diverse: ad esempio visto che a me che piace il bollito con il bagnetto verde, posso essere ucciso dai celiaci, mentre i diabetici provano un irrazionale disappunto verso coloro che fanno un uso sconsiderato dell’aglio contro l’ipertensione.

 

Questo mondo è così diverso che sono tentato di raggiungerlo tant’è che sto costruendo un astronave.

E’ vero, questa astronave di mia manifattura non è un prodigio della tecnologia (ma senza i fondi della NASA ed il mutuo da pagare si fa come si può) visto che uso la colla UHU e le scatole rubate giù in magazzino, ma, a quanto mi risulta dagli accurati test svolti, dopo che ci si è buttati un abbondante doppio litro di barolo chinato in corpo vola benissimo.

Poi se mi dai anche tu una mano a costruirla facciamo prima, così, mentre tu la colori con le tempere (mi raccomando i bulloni degli oblò li voglio rossi e non disegnare le solite sbeffeggianti piccole cippe di cazzo sulle ali) io posso schiarirmi la voce per canticchiare la colonna sonora che ci accompagnerà nel viaggio: “Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm” – God Shuffled His Feet (1993) - Crash Test Dummies.

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