Dopo ben 2 mesi di ininterrotta felicità e relax, oggi m’è venuto un atroce attacco di tristezza e mi sono messa a piangere come una scema al matrimonio della mia collega. Le ragioni sono tante. Innanzitutto la frase scritta nel libretto della messa dedicato a questo loro bell’amore: Every time I look at you the world just melts away All my troubles all my fears dissolve in your affections You've seen me at my weakest but you take me as I am And when I fall you offer me a softer place to land You stay the course you hold the line you keep it all together You're the one true thing I know I can believe in You're all the things that I desire, you save me, you complete me You're the one true thing I know I can believe che è il testo di una canzone di Sarah Maclachlan e mi ha fatto venire la tristezza perché ancora non ho incontrato nessuno che mi faccia sentire così.L’altra ragione è che mi caccio sempre in situazioni assurde e non è giusto che l’uomo di cui mi sarei potuta innamorare e che mi fa stare così bene sia sposato! Ok, relazione strana e aperta, ma insomma...pur sempre maritato!!! Infine S, dopo ben 4 mesi di latitanza, ha deciso di rientrare in scena con una email, che pare sembri essere il suo mezzo di comunicazione preferito, nella qual mail egli mi chiede di incontrarci perché ha bisogno di parlarmi. Questo è già sufficiente a mettermi di pessimo umore, ma c'è di più. Alla mia risposta che qualunque cosa voglia dirmi può comunicarmela nello stesso modo che ha già efficientemente usato per spezzarmi il cuore (e cioè appunto via email) mi risponde con una sequela di sorry per almeno una decina di motivi diversi, da come mi ha trattata a come ha rovinato tutto a come ha capito troppo tardi quali sono i suoi sentimenti per me etc etc.Dopo i primi momenti di perplessità, qualche lacrimuccia e un po’ di nostalgia, hanno cominciato a prodursi nel mio cervello tutta una serie di persieri che oscillano fra il grottesco e il cinico e tutti legati ad una sola domanda: perché mi ha scritto? O meglio, riformulando in modo più chiaro, qual’è lo scopo di queste mail? Cosa pensa ne possa venir fuori?Sono stata combattuta per diversi giorni se scrivergli e chiederglielo direttamente oppure lasciare che questa sua insana azione cada nel nulla e alla fine ho optato per questa seconda possibilità. Nonostante ciò, sento il bisogno di scrivere quello che avrei voluto dirgli e quale miglior posto se non questo mio blog, che fortunatamente non legge nessuno. E sia. Dear S,for several days I’ve been thinking if answer or not, but finally it seems I’m not enough strong to ignore your email, so here I am. I don’t have so many things to tell you and actually, the only reason why I’m writing to you is pure curiosity and I just would like to ask you a question. But, before asking, I want to highline something about our relationship. I won’t say all these things because I want to throw them in your face, but just because they are important for the question I’ll ask you at the end.Since our relationship started you’ve been hanging between “I love you-I don’t love you”, you played with me because you were sure that I'd always forgive you and above all you treated me without any respect. You didn’t respect me nor as girl-friend nor, even worst, as friend. You’ve been totally selfish and the only needs you were able to see were your needs: your work, your pain, your stress, you you you. You didn’t take care of me, you didn’t care of any of my needs or wishes. Just in the last year, I can mention Rome, my birthday, my PhD defense. You promised me to join and stand by me for each of these events, but you never did, always for some selfish reason. And I cannot forget you promised me to go to live together in Bru and the last moment you said me no (again) because you (poor you) couldn’t travel each day 45min to go to work (it was a too huge sacrifice). Nevertheless you had the cheek to ask me to take an apartment in Brux (because in my case it was not so sacrificing to travel each day 1h30 to reach my job) but this way it would be more comfortable for you to travel less if you wanted to have your occasional fucking with me.These are just examples of the way you considered me and our relationship, but the list could go on. By the way, as I’ve already said, I don’t want to blame you, it’s just to make you clear how our story was.Now the question: why did you write me? Or, better, what’s exactly the aim of your emails, the reason why you contacted me? What do you think to get?You see, I thought several things, from horrible (like he doesn’t want to spent the summer and/or the defense alone) up to…horrible as well (he has a ring ready to merry me), passing through other more or less terrible options.But still the question has no answers. Because, actually, there are two opposite options which disturb me very much. The first one is that you were not conscious of all the things I listed you above and you contacted me because you thought we still have some possibilities to re-built our story; in this case it’s clear you are totally selfish if you haven’t been able to see how you treated me and how much you didn’t care about me. The second case is that you were perfectly conscious of all those things, but you decided anyway to contact me, not caring about anything or anyone, just because YOU needed to talk to me or to say me “sorry” for decreasing your sense of guilty or to see me because you feel alone or whatever. You didn’t consider at all the hypothesis you could hurt me or I didn’t want to have anything to do with you after your nth stupidity. The only important thing is you and what you need. It seems this is again a demonstration of selfishness, isn’t it?In both case, please tell me, why should I give you any possibility? I really cannot see any reason to talk to you again, above all because, as I said, you didn't respect me at all, even as friend, so there's really nothing which could bound us.I really don’t understand how you could act like this! You are cruel and selfish or probably stupid, but I think this is the less probable.Anyway, it’s not important anymore for me and I accept your “sorry”, but for me they have the same value of the not recyclable waste.Oh, last thing…I was wondering if you know what is my favorite flower, or my biggest fear, or my favorite song…or whatever…Did you ever care? Ecco, ora mi sento meglio...credo. Ad ogni modo, davvero questa è una pagina che devo voltare perché non ne prenderò mai nulla di buono. Perché dev'essere così difficile? Mi sa che mi serve un'altra dose di Irlanda :-)
Dopo ben 2 mesi di ininterrotta felicità e relax, oggi m’è venuto un atroce attacco di tristezza e mi sono messa a piangere come una scema al matrimonio della mia collega. Le ragioni sono tante. Innanzitutto la frase scritta nel libretto della messa dedicato a questo loro bell’amore: Every time I look at you the world just melts away All my troubles all my fears dissolve in your affections You've seen me at my weakest but you take me as I am And when I fall you offer me a softer place to land You stay the course you hold the line you keep it all together You're the one true thing I know I can believe in You're all the things that I desire, you save me, you complete me You're the one true thing I know I can believe che è il testo di una canzone di Sarah Maclachlan e mi ha fatto venire la tristezza perché ancora non ho incontrato nessuno che mi faccia sentire così.L’altra ragione è che mi caccio sempre in situazioni assurde e non è giusto che l’uomo di cui mi sarei potuta innamorare e che mi fa stare così bene sia sposato! Ok, relazione strana e aperta, ma insomma...pur sempre maritato!!! Infine S, dopo ben 4 mesi di latitanza, ha deciso di rientrare in scena con una email, che pare sembri essere il suo mezzo di comunicazione preferito, nella qual mail egli mi chiede di incontrarci perché ha bisogno di parlarmi. Questo è già sufficiente a mettermi di pessimo umore, ma c'è di più. Alla mia risposta che qualunque cosa voglia dirmi può comunicarmela nello stesso modo che ha già efficientemente usato per spezzarmi il cuore (e cioè appunto via email) mi risponde con una sequela di sorry per almeno una decina di motivi diversi, da come mi ha trattata a come ha rovinato tutto a come ha capito troppo tardi quali sono i suoi sentimenti per me etc etc.Dopo i primi momenti di perplessità, qualche lacrimuccia e un po’ di nostalgia, hanno cominciato a prodursi nel mio cervello tutta una serie di persieri che oscillano fra il grottesco e il cinico e tutti legati ad una sola domanda: perché mi ha scritto? O meglio, riformulando in modo più chiaro, qual’è lo scopo di queste mail? Cosa pensa ne possa venir fuori?Sono stata combattuta per diversi giorni se scrivergli e chiederglielo direttamente oppure lasciare che questa sua insana azione cada nel nulla e alla fine ho optato per questa seconda possibilità. Nonostante ciò, sento il bisogno di scrivere quello che avrei voluto dirgli e quale miglior posto se non questo mio blog, che fortunatamente non legge nessuno. E sia. Dear S,for several days I’ve been thinking if answer or not, but finally it seems I’m not enough strong to ignore your email, so here I am. I don’t have so many things to tell you and actually, the only reason why I’m writing to you is pure curiosity and I just would like to ask you a question. But, before asking, I want to highline something about our relationship. I won’t say all these things because I want to throw them in your face, but just because they are important for the question I’ll ask you at the end.Since our relationship started you’ve been hanging between “I love you-I don’t love you”, you played with me because you were sure that I'd always forgive you and above all you treated me without any respect. You didn’t respect me nor as girl-friend nor, even worst, as friend. You’ve been totally selfish and the only needs you were able to see were your needs: your work, your pain, your stress, you you you. You didn’t take care of me, you didn’t care of any of my needs or wishes. Just in the last year, I can mention Rome, my birthday, my PhD defense. You promised me to join and stand by me for each of these events, but you never did, always for some selfish reason. And I cannot forget you promised me to go to live together in Bru and the last moment you said me no (again) because you (poor you) couldn’t travel each day 45min to go to work (it was a too huge sacrifice). Nevertheless you had the cheek to ask me to take an apartment in Brux (because in my case it was not so sacrificing to travel each day 1h30 to reach my job) but this way it would be more comfortable for you to travel less if you wanted to have your occasional fucking with me.These are just examples of the way you considered me and our relationship, but the list could go on. By the way, as I’ve already said, I don’t want to blame you, it’s just to make you clear how our story was.Now the question: why did you write me? Or, better, what’s exactly the aim of your emails, the reason why you contacted me? What do you think to get?You see, I thought several things, from horrible (like he doesn’t want to spent the summer and/or the defense alone) up to…horrible as well (he has a ring ready to merry me), passing through other more or less terrible options.But still the question has no answers. Because, actually, there are two opposite options which disturb me very much. The first one is that you were not conscious of all the things I listed you above and you contacted me because you thought we still have some possibilities to re-built our story; in this case it’s clear you are totally selfish if you haven’t been able to see how you treated me and how much you didn’t care about me. The second case is that you were perfectly conscious of all those things, but you decided anyway to contact me, not caring about anything or anyone, just because YOU needed to talk to me or to say me “sorry” for decreasing your sense of guilty or to see me because you feel alone or whatever. You didn’t consider at all the hypothesis you could hurt me or I didn’t want to have anything to do with you after your nth stupidity. The only important thing is you and what you need. It seems this is again a demonstration of selfishness, isn’t it?In both case, please tell me, why should I give you any possibility? I really cannot see any reason to talk to you again, above all because, as I said, you didn't respect me at all, even as friend, so there's really nothing which could bound us.I really don’t understand how you could act like this! You are cruel and selfish or probably stupid, but I think this is the less probable.Anyway, it’s not important anymore for me and I accept your “sorry”, but for me they have the same value of the not recyclable waste.Oh, last thing…I was wondering if you know what is my favorite flower, or my biggest fear, or my favorite song…or whatever…Did you ever care? Ecco, ora mi sento meglio...credo. Ad ogni modo, davvero questa è una pagina che devo voltare perché non ne prenderò mai nulla di buono. Perché dev'essere così difficile? Mi sa che mi serve un'altra dose di Irlanda :-)