I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks. Few people think more than two or three times a year; I have made an international reputation for myself by thinking once or twice a week. Don't mace him!" I shouted over the din. "You'll get us all too. Three…

Mediocrity knows nothing higher than itself, but talent instantly recognizes genius. If one sticks too rigidly to one's principles, one would hardly see anybody. The crowd gives the leader new strength. My home is not a place, it is people. I like weights. You know where you stand with them. Well, sometimes you're lying under…

The mellow sweetness of pumpkin pie off a prison spoon is something you will never forget. Under democracy one party always devotes its chief energies to trying to prove that the other party is unfit to rule - and both commonly succeed, and are right. ...happiness gives us the energy which is the basis of…

A sympathetic Scot summed it all up very neatly in the remark, "You should make a point of trying every experience once, excepting incest and folk dancing." For one human being to love another; that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks, the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which…

Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others. Lack of money is no obstacle. Lack of an idea is an obstacle. The pain of making the necessary sacrifices always hurts more than you think it's going to. I know. It sucks. That being said, doing something seriously creative is one…

Try to put your happiness before anyone else's, because you may never have done so in your entire life, if you really think about it, if you are really honest with yourself. The two symbols of the Republican Party: an elephant, and a big fat white guy who is threatened by change. A man is…

Nothing has a stronger influence psychologically on their environment and especially on their children than the unlived life of the parent. Money doesn't always bring happiness. People with ten million dollars are no happier than people with nine million dollars. I'm moving, but don't worry! Someone once told me we're all on the same planet,…

A wise man can see more from the bottom of a well than a fool can from a mountain top . Do not believe that he who seeks to comfort you lives untroubled among the simple and quiet words that sometimes do you good. His life has much difficulty... Were it otherwise he would never…

I barely had time to register them before those rifles were pointed at me. Like anyone else, there are days I feel beautiful and days I don't, and when I don't, I do something about it. That you may retain your self-respect, it is better to displease the people by doing what you know is…

The problem is never how to get new, innovative thoughts into your mind, but how to get old ones out. Every mind is a building filled with archaic furniture. Clean out a corner of your mind and creativity will instantly fill it. At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free…