T i m e O u t

Pensioners' Pub Prattle

PENSIONERS’  PUB  PRATTLE

 "What was that?"     

"I was just sayin' there's too much change everywhere."   

"You're right. Just when you start to get used to things, they change them."          

"They're even saying they're going to change the pint and call it the half litre."         

"Can't you imagine himself calling 'last half litres there now lads'."         

"Well, he'd better not say it to me. Cheers!"

"Who's your man with the newspaper?"

"No one you’d know. He comes and goes."

"Kind of like a headache!"

"The only time your man there would buy you a drink is if someone belonging to you died."

"Is that so. Isn't he the mean so-and-so! Oh! Did I tell you that the mother-in-law isn't well at all lately?"

"You'll always get the truth if you ask an unexpected question?"

"How are you for cash?"

"Broke."

"Don't ever let anyone believe they're perfect. It only makes life difficult for them."

"Like what happens to the politicians, is it?"

"When people go to America they always come back changed."

"Maybe that's why they go to America in the first place."

"You know, when we think about it, life is like a ladder. What’s a fortune for you could be my small change."

"And what’s small change for me?”

“Well, someone has to be on the bottom rung.”

"There's one thing about me, I can cope with any emergency as long as I have a cup o' tea with it."

"You wouldn't want to be a fireman."

"The easiest way to make people buy something is to tell them it's not for sale."

"Yeah. Especially a pint!"

"Did you ever wonder how people make money?"

"Did I ever wonder about anything else?

"As far as I can see, the man who makes money is the man who convinces you that dearer is better."

“No, the man who makes money is the man who can sell you what you didn't know you needed."

"Someone said an Irishman's heart is nothing but his imagination. So what's a heart attack?"

"Dunno."

"Ah! Come on.”

"Dunno."

"It's a quirk of the imagination!"

"What's the longest day of the year?"

"It's..."

"It's a fast day. And the longest minute of the day?"

"Tell me."

"When you're on the platform watching a train pull out."

"I don't get it."

“No, you just missed it."

"Did you ever notice a pint never tastes as good on Monday as it does on Sunday."

"Well, twenty-four hours is a long time to leave a pint sittin'."

“What happened to your head?”

“Ah! It’s nothing. Myself and the wife were in a bit of an accident.”

“Oh! How did it happen?

“I put my foot on the accelerator instead of the brake.”

“And all the years you’re driving!”

“No, it was she that was driving.”

“Why couldn’t you drive?”

“I was afraid I’d be stopped, with the limit you know.”

"How long do you think it would take to build that wall?"

"Now that's a good question. It all depends. If I'm doing the payin' and you're doin' the work, I'd say a day. If I'm doin' the work and you're doin' the payin', a week."

 "The best pint is the next pint."

"Are ya' havin' another?"

"Well, seeing as you're offering, I might as well."

"What was that?"

"I was just sayin' change is ok. as long as it's not too drastic."

"Yeah. I hate them hot air things for dryin' your hands, but it's great though to be able to put on the telly without havin' to get up."

"I saw a fella opening his gate with a gadget without getting out of his car."

"I have a dog that does that when he hears the car coming."

"Yeah, but you don’t have to feed the gadget!"