T i m e O u t

BIRTHRIGHT Part II

Vanessa turned away and a strange loneliness engulfed her. She was thinking of her mother in a way she’d never done before and wished she could remember her face. But she could only see a photo on a sideboard somewhere – her mother proudly erect beside her beautiful six-year-old daughter on her first day at school – the last year they’d been together.

I told you before. She was a good woman and now she’s gone. She got an infection. Don’t ask me about her anymore, her grandmother had once admonished her softly.

Since then there had been other schools and houses as she was passed from grandmother, to auntie, to an institution, to another auntie, while the question she so longed to ask remained unspoken. Who was my father?

What are you dragging all this up for now? It’s over. It has nothing to do with you.

Suddenly, her arms reached out for the baby. Her baby! She wanted to take up her baby, to talk to her and hold her close.

The baby was warm beside her and Vanessa was almost afraid to move. A voice that didn’t seem to belong to her said out loud:

“Lisa, when we leave the hospital we’re not going back to Ernest. It will be just you and me. I won’t have to pretend ever again. I won’t have to pretend I’m part of his world and that Syracuse never existed.”

She held her breath in amazement. Had she been talking in her sleep? Why had she said that and why had it been so easy to say it? It was as if these were words formulated long and waiting to be uttered. She was not in shock, not at all in awe at what she’d just said.

She wanted to think it through but she was too tired.

I need to leave Ernest. I will leave him.

 voice woke her up. Someone was talking to Maria.

"Mrs. Emanuele, we're all ready."

Maria was made comfortable on the stretcher and wheeled out. Vanessa wished her well. The poor woman was so evidently the victim of her mother-in-law's whims.

Vanessa thought of Ernest but her mind was empty, like trying to connect to a stranger.

The Sister came and told her how to put the baby to her breast.

"It will do you both good," she said and then added in a whisper: "that little mark should fade in time and, if not, it can be treated. Don't worry about it and reassure your husband that she'll be fine."

Vanessa nodded and did as she was told. It pinched when Lisa grabbed the nipple. She made herself look at the cheek. Was it less noticeable than last night? Was she imagining that it had got smaller?

Then the milk started to flow. She could feel it rushing up from her back, from her stomach, from her very heart.  The child suckled and Vanessa couldn't fight the tears. Sorry, sorry, sorry. For what, she didn't know, just litanies of sorry.

Maria was presently wheeled back and for a while was fussed over by the nurses. Then quietness and mothers and babies rested.

Hours later, when Maria had partially recovered, Vanessa congratulated her on the birth of her son. Maria's husband and mother-in-law had been to see her but could make very little out of her drugged mumbling. On the advice of the ward sister, they had cut their visit short and had told the sleeping Maria they would see her in the morning. Adolfina again nodded at Vanessa whose eyes were puffed and full. They both smiled.

Maria was soon clear-headed enough for a few words and Vanessa asked her the baby's name.

"Vittorio," replied the proud Maria and then, as if to measure it for size, repeated: "Vittorio Emanuele."

"Oh, no!" was all the stunned Vanessa could reply.

There was no point in making any comment. Boy or girl, Maria's baby had been destined from before its birth to carry the burden of a name that would probably make him a most unhappy child. She shuddered as she pictured the school roll-call or the history teacher calling out Vittorio Emanuele. With all respects to the last ruling monarch of Italy, it was too much to impose on any child. Maybe the old lady would bring Maria to her senses. But what if the old lady still wanted the boy to be called after her? Adolf? It didn't bear thinking about.

She would forget the child, his name, his relations. They had nothing to do with her.

Would she have the willpower to tell Ernest she was no longer content to stand by and let him map out her and her daughter's lives. She would tell him.

Tell him what? Why do I want to throw so much away? I have everything. What else do I want? I want to count. I want my life to be something more than this emptiness. I've been his puppet for too long. You haven't complained before. Yes, but nobody ever judged me before. Who's judging you? My baby is. That woman in black is. My mother is. I mustn't think about her, granny was right. It's worse to think about her.

She turned again, her eyes on the baby's crib. She rehearsed her piece. It would be firm and convincing, no whinging, no scraping.

Ernest, I want to give Lisa family values that I've never really known and that you take so much for granted.

No! That wasn't what she wanted to say.

Ernest, Lisa has to know about my life, about real life.

What did she want to tell him?

Ernest, maybe being born in this little hospital in Valle Verde and not in the exclusive clinic in Milan is an omen too. Lisa was destined for more meaningful things. Even a birthmark on her cheek won't matter. People are born with worse afflictions.

How pathetic Ernest and his numbers and his family were! How childish! How crude! How ridiculous her own pin-up girl life!

Ernest phoned and wished her a happy New Year. She returned the greeting and asked that it be extended to the family. He thanked her and asked if she was all right. She said yes, everything was fine and the baby was sleeping. He said good and hung up. She hoped she would sleep.

The bells in Valle Verde tolled out the first moment of the new millennium. A blanket of snow enveloped the town. Fire crackers lit up the sky. The light shone on Lisa Lanterni and Vittorio Emanuele. Neither stirred. Happy New Year to you both. Maria turned over and whispered Happy New Year and promptly went back to sleep. Vanessa inhaled slowly. Some day she would describe this night to her daughter - the snow, the bells, Maria, Vittorio. She would tell her how she should have been born in Milan. Ernest would tell her about his hope that she would be born on the first day of the year 2000.

But no! There won't be any Ernest. Just Lisa and I. Just like it was ...then. No!  Ernest needs me. I need him. No you don't. Maybe there might be someone ... other ... children... maybe ... keep  contact with Maria... maybe...meet...

A child's crying woke her.

"Signora! Signora! Your baby is hungry. Poor baby."

The night sister placed the bundle in her arms and Vanessa looked at her in a stupor.

"She's hungry," insisted the Sister. "Feed her," she prompted and left.

This time the tugging was less stinging.

"Is she alright?" It was Maria, whispering.

"She's fine, thank you."

"I think Vittorio will soon want to feed too."

"Your husband was here this evening with his mother."

"Yes, I vaguely remember. I hope they got home safely."

As Maria watched Lisa suckle her mother's breast her face contorted in a grimace.

"Are you in pain, Maria?"   

"A little, but I'm glad it's over."

"Me, too."

"No, I mean I'm glad everything is over."

"How do you mean?"

"Well, I had a chat with the doctor so he fixed it all up. I won't ever again have to risk bringing Adolfina into the world."

"That was a big decision."

"I know. So is the one you're thinking of making."

"You know what? I used to live in Sicily and I think it's the first real decision I've made since I decided to leave."

"But it's not a crime to change your mind."

At eleven o'clock Ernest arrived. Her heart lurched when she saw how tired he looked. He hadn't shaved  since he'd left her. Their hands snatched each other.

"How did you get here through the snow," she asked.

"It took me a while. I practically crawled."

"Happy New Year," she said.

"Happy New Year."

"How...?"

 "Vanessa, there's something I have to tell you."

"What is it?" She hated the urgency in her voice.

"I'm sorry for the way I reacted over Lisa."

"It doesn't matter." She tried to remain composed.

"No, you're wrong. It matters a lot. It was grotesque. I'm sorry"

"Well, if you must know, I really was very upset."

She knew Maria wasn't sleeping but it made no difference now.

"Vanessa, please listen. You've always been so wonderfully patient with me, darling." "I haven't. I've only been your..."

"No. Let me talk first. Things have got completely out of hand. It's crazy."

"Ernest, Lisa's face..."

"I know what wrong with Lisa's face. It's my punishment. She's being punished for my sins."

"Ernest, don't say ..."

"Vanessa, I've made a mockery of Lisa and, not only that, I've lost almost every cent we had."

"My God! How?"

"I gambled on her."

"What do you mean?"

Neither was looking at the other, They were half-whispering, their eyes fixed on the child.

"Yes, I'm so ashamed. I gambled on that little infant. I gambled on the time she would be born, down to the hour. Her birth was just another game for me. I was so certain that you would make everything go right for me there seemed to be no risk. I lost it all, everything."

"But who would take on a bet like that, for God's sake?"

 "There are people. Vanessa. People."

This wasn't at all what they were meant to be saying to each other.

"I can't stop myself any more. It's like a cancer inside that has taken over and I'm so afraid. It's got to the stage where I work or race with people only if I know their birth dates. It's all so horrible."

"But it used to be such fun." 

"It stopped being fun ages ago. We both know that."

"But why did you keep on doing it?"

"I don't know why. I only know I need help and yesterday I started looking for it. Please, can you help me too."

"Ernest, did  you refuse Lisa because of the ugly mark on her face?"

"Me refuse Lisa? What are you saying?"

"You know what you said. It was a horrible thing to say."

"Oh! My God! You can't think that I would love her less because of a mark on her face?"

"Yes, I do think that."

"Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!"

"Shh! Don't! Ernest!"

"I've always wanted to make you happy. I wanted to make up to you in some way for not having all I have, but I've only made you miserable. I've deprived you and her of everything."

"Not just you. I was planning to deprive her of a lot more."

"What?"

"It doesn't matter."

"Vanessa, will you please help me? Can we start something new, together?"

"How?"

"I spoke to a specialist and he thinks he can help me if you help him." He was squeezing her hands so tightly the rings were cutting into her fingers.

"What can I do?"

"For a start, be firm with me where Lisa is concerned. Don't let me decide when she is to be christened, when she starts school, when she has her first bicycle. Don't let me take over her life. I will try to like I did with you. I know it. I just know I'll bet on something crazy on the twentieth of February 2002 or I'll go mad on leap days. The dates are already there in my head. I'll still be checking calendars and hunting for number plates. Love me enough to say no. Love me enough to hurt me, if you have to."

She couldn't meet his eyes. What was he asking her? What about her decision? And Lisa?

"Can we talk about all this later? I'm so confused."

Maria turned over as her husband and mother-in-law came into the ward. Adolfina came towards Vanessa's bed.

"You're surely a more pleasant sight today than you were yesterday evening, my dear," she said as she shook both their hands and wished them a happy New Year.

"Thank you." Vanessa managed a weak smile.

The older woman turned to Ernest. "Don't take any notice of her. Women think very little of their husbands when they've just been through childbirth."

"I suppose so," he replied, smiling.

Vanessa slowly sat up and got out of bed. Maria needed time with her husband and their son and she was the one who could move.

"Signora, would you link me down the corridor for a few minutes? Ernest is going outside for a cigarette."

"Of course." The older woman seemed pleased to oblige.

She hoped he wouldn't contradict her but he understood and left before them.

They strolled through the corridor and stood by a window in the hall. Snowflakes danced against the glass pane. Adolfina turned to Vanessa with a sad smile.

"The only real difference between you and Maria is that she's glad she's here."

"What?"

"My Alberto loves Maria. He loves her enough to stand by her and be a father to the child of a good-for-nothing bastard who swept her off her feet and then ran back to his wife when the damage was done."

"Please, Signora, I don't want you to tell me any more."

"It's all right. I'm only telling you so that you'll know that it takes time for young mothers to start thinking about someone other than themselves."

"I hope I learn to do that. I'm sorry for Maria. I didn't know. Your son is a good man."

"He is. He loves her in spite of everything and she wanted to keep that baby so much. It was the right thing to do. He's promised he'll bring him up like one of his own. I hope when he has his own he'll forget how she wronged him."

Vanessa closed her eyes. What did this woman know? Would Vittorio ever know? Would he wonder? Would the bastard who fathered him ever wonder? Would Maria's husband wonder why he couldn't father a child. What was the right thing to do?

She looked at the other woman and took her hand. "You know, I feel as if I've never thought much about myself until today."

"Sometimes it's easier."

"Much easier." Again an unembarrassed silence. But Vanessa knew there was more.

"I always say a woman can decide whether or not she wants to have a husband but she can't decide whether or not her child should have a father. It's not her choice. It's the child's birthright. Maria will have to decide that when the time is right."

"I wish my mother had met someone like you when I was born. Things might have been different."

"Have you never asked her?"

Vanessa shook her head and Adolfina understood.

"It's too late?"

She nodded, clinching her teeth.

"You may never have an answer but I think you've cried enough over it.  Now is not the time for big decisions. It's time to love your baby. So, if I can offer you some advice, think hard before you do anything you might have to apologise to her for later."

Vanessa looked in awe at the woman she'd labelled an interfering mother-in-law.

"Signora, there's no difference at all between Maria and me. I'm glad I'm here too. You'll be a wonderful grandmother."

"And you and your husband will make good parents."

"Why do I feel we don't really know each other?"

Adolfina smiled and took her arm. "Because you don't. As a mother and a father you're both only a day old. You were born along with your child. The three of you will learn as you go along and you'll make mistakes just like the rest of us. Go to him. The snow is a good cure for an ailing spirit. It brings peace."

"Yes, it doesn't look threatening any longer. I want to go home tomorrow."

Neither was in a hurry back to the ward so they linked arms and made their way to the main door where Ernest was waiting. He took her hand and she took Adolfina's. They stepped outside and for a few delightful moments all three breathed the pure air and let the soft flakes caress their faces.